wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
