when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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