My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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