By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We don't watch enough power rangers
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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