On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
