I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
