Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My vagina is officially offended.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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