I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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