1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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