So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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