dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
