its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
