I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
