I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
