I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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