How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
