we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
