There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
