No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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