The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let's get the cat blown out
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
