her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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