i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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