Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
