please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
