My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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