I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
