im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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