After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
