Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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