your parents love me but you hate me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
