There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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