That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
