I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
