I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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