I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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