you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
