Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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