That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
