i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize