I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
