I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
