God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
