I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize