Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
