11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
