Umm I'm too high to move.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
