he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
