Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
