Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
