"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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