A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
