wat bout pragnant strippers??
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
