The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
