he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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