I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
