I wish I could punch you in the face.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
