I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i've created a new STD.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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