So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Someone came in the potted fern
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
