dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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