I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize