He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
