the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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