Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
