So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize