After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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